The New York Groove’s 53rd annual Tour de Turkey

By The New York Groove

It’s Turkey Day and you know what that means: That’s right, the day New Yorkers citywide (and we suppose Americans across the country) gather to discuss their favorite turkey-related things. It’s a weird tradition, we’ll give you that, and we don’t know where it came from really, but we do know it’s an opportunity for us to give you some damn content to chew over. You’ve no doubt been waiting all year for it, so here it is, the New York Groove’s Guide to New York Turkey:

Chewing turkey
Want the best döner kebab sandwich you can stuff in your turkey hole? We won’t doubt local legend Robert Sietsema when he declares that the best place you can grab one of these Turkish specialities is at Ankara #3 (183 East Houston St.), a 24-hour joint located conveniently near the legendary Sunshine Cinema. Oh wait that’s right, the jive turkeys on Manhattan Community Board 3 wouldn’t approve a liquor license for the theater, so it closed and has been replaced by … dead retail space. Damn, sick move you guys.

There’s more to Turkish food than greasy meat sandwiches though. The people of reddit have suggested that if you want a more refined sit-down experience, you can haul your ass to Fort Greene’s Deniz (662 Fulton St.), which Dave has been to and says is pretty good, or Truva Cafe (22-41 31st St.) in the People’s Republic of Astoria.

Talking turkey
Perhaps you still need to get caught up on Mayor Eric Adams and the federal investigation into his campaign’s fundraising, which is all about whether he got illegal foreign campaign contributions from citizens of Turkey? We’ve got you, though we’re sure there’s going to be more and more of this growing scandal for us to gobble up as time goes on.

You can always attend 80 events celebrating turkey 

Speaking of turkeys, Andrew Cuomo is floating a run for mayor and Knicks and Rangers owner James Dolan is throwing his second deeply bizarre rich guy tantrum of this year alone. These guys should cluck off, yeah?

Tossing turkeys
We hear you’ve been talking shit about what a good bowler you are. Well, put your money where your mouth is and toss a few turkeys at a couple of The Groove’s favorite bowling spots. The Gutter (200 North 14th St.) is 16 years of lived-in Williamsburg scuzz, unlike its more recently opened cousins in Long Island City and the Lower East Side, and is also a historical site where the Ebola doctor hung out in more innocent health panic days. Elsewhere, Melody Lanes (461 37th St.) is a longtime Sunset Park institution where you’re liable to find yourself on a lane between a children’s birthday party where the kids have ingested too much sugar and a drunken adult birthday party where the adults have ingested who knows what.

Drinking turkeys
Want some more Williamsburg scuzz? Who doesn’t! The Turkey’s Nest (94 Bedford Ave.), a dive bar known for its margaritas that come in enormous disposable cups and its wall of TVs showing sports, is just a five minute walk from The Gutter. You might think the place has been open since the 40s, but it’s been on the corner of Bedford and North 12th since the ’80s, which really says something about authenticity and the nature of time. One day your kids are gonna tell you about this totally legit dive they went to in Mecha Williamsburg, Lucky Dog. You just smile when it happens and let them have their illusions.

Seeing turkeys
Wild turkeys are not just the provenance of the famous liquor brand that makes you want to fight God and your dad. They’re also all over Staten Island, and the Rock’s official dedicated news source has a map of where they’ve been known to waddle around if you want to try to see some up close. But do not attempt to fight them.

Loving turkeys
For those of us who would rather talk turkey than eat turkey, you can put your money where your mouth isn’t (that makes sense, it does). Nearby animal sanctuaries offer chances to “sponsor” or “adopt” a turkey this year. The Hudson Valley’s Woodstock Animal Sanctuary accepts $30 sponsorship packages that help cover the cost of food, shelter and medical care for their very much alive turkeys this year. Farther upstate, the Farm Sanctuary in Watkins Glen has a turkey adoption program, for which you get an actual adoption certificate, containing facts about the turkey’s personality, among which is surely the fact “does not like being eaten.”